Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
