I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
