The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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