he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i think i just lost a toe
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