I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
