I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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