and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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