Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
