I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
