I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I need to calm my uterus...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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