When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just invented taco cereal.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
