Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize