Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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