made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
