you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize