you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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