So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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