Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
