how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
