The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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