I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
