I think i peed on brittanys purse
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
