the new term for farting is butt boxing.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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