I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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