so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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