I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
