U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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