Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
