I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
