Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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