I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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