this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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