he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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