YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
