We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
