he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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