I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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