We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Randomize
