Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
How's work?
Spinning.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
