just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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