I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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