Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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