hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
