So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
