Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
