Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
