I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
