i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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