I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
