I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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