You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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