i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize