you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
