rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
