My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
