i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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