i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
