If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
