can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
