shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
