i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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