I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
