I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
