Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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